love

I have a dream, one with a sequel

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so, this dream came in two parts. I can’t remember if it was over two nights or one, but when I woke from the second to felt as though the first happened previously.

Dream one

It’s my first day at university and I’m attending a group of some kind (more of an impromptu meeting than a lecture). There are around 8 people there of different sizes and shapes- almost like a TV shows disparate groups of characters. Initially I don’t fit in with the group but over time my unique social skills win them round and the group becomes friendly.

Dream two
Time has passed and the group is friendly, however there is a big falling out.

I’m sat on top of Poole sculpture when I see flashing lights that somehow tell me someone loves me. Sliding down the sculpture I find a girl from the group. She looks familiar but I can’t place her (In real life). She laughs that I slid down the sculpture with the bird poo on it.

We reminisce about how we got close- apparently early in the ‘group’ meeting I helped her home after she broke a heel

I walk her home and we encounter her housemates who seem to know who I am, though we haven’t met. they leave to give us ‘space’

We go to her room (inches bigger than a single bed) when two others from the group turn up, they decide to play a board game in the kitchen whilst me and the girl stay in her room. We kiss briefly.

No doubt Rox will be annoyed about this one, but it wasn’t real and was set well before we met (with a group of people I never met)

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I have a dream, of relationships and weirdness

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So, another weird dream last night. It was a long and a lot of details have faded (and more are fading the more I try to get hold of it) so I’ll get straight into it

I’m walking down the street in my old home village when i bump into an ex girlfriend whos crying. I naturally ask if she’s ok, but she’s just lost a baby. I introduce her to myles and we go to the village library where we lose one of myles’ shoes- but replace it with one from a lost property bag.
As we’re leaving the library we bump into my my partner and my ex girlfriends parents. They all take Myles back to my mums house, whilst I get in the car with my sister and she drives me home. She then proceeds to show off by racing into the driveway and crashing into the house in the process. Pulling away from the house she does exactly the same thing again, before doing it a third time- this time covering us both in glass as the back end of her car is destroyed.
I go into the house to find my partner resting on the sofa with my ex girlfriends parents whilst my ex girlfriend is doing the same next to my mum.
At this point I realise things could be very awkward (it hadn’t occurred previously).
Next I’m eating Mexican food in a dark room with someone I went to school with, with the occasional passer by also looking like old school friends. The guys school time girlfriend sits down,eats some food that had been sitting there and asks me when I’m going to choose which girl I’m going to upset- this hasn’t come up previously.
Suddenly I have a timer infront of my face with one minute thirty two seconds ticking down.
My mind flashes over every ex girlfriend (I think) and I’m faced with a choice- not sure why I’m suddenly choosing all of them. Come to think of it I’m not sure why I’m choosing at all.
We’re back in my mums house where my parents and my ex girlfriends parents have decided I’m better off keeping both of them as they both need someone to look after them- physically and mentally each. I’m given no say and the two girls are too tired to argue.

Weird.

I wouldn’t know where to start in understanding the dream, the ex girlfriend isn’t someone Iv known in many years (though I suspect the faces are random in dreams) and I’m certainly not looking to cohabit with ex girlfriends or swap out rox for anyone (shed probably suggest I’d swap her for some peace and quiet).
In fact I’m not even going to try and decipher it

Quotes, on love

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So, searching through my big weird diary has uncovered some love related quotes

relationships are naught but a series of complex games

Good one, it’s true, it’s like politics the entire time- worth it though

love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction

A nice one, too many couples spend all their time being lovey dovey (I’m not a huge fan of lovey dovey soppiness) and you wonder, if they just loved each other and got on with things would they be happier? Maybe, maybe not, but I wouldn’t feel sick everytime they did it

we come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

This I stumbled on somewhere and I think it’s awesome, a truly fantastic explanation for all those people that moan about finding ‘the one.’ Finding the beauty in a person is easy if you’re open to it.

the spaces between your fingers are there so another’s can fill them

Yeah, it’s a little soppy, but it’s nice anyway

Life, ed sheeran wrote us a song

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So, recently I was driving and ed sheerans latest song came on the radio, thinking out loud. As I listened I enjoyed it, and the lyrics clicked into place. I then realised mr sheeran had written this song for my partner and I.

And this is why..

Ed Sheeran – Thinking Out loud

When your legs don’t work like they used to before
(Her legs no longer work so well, she’s a cripple after all)
And I can’t sweep you off of your feet
(My backs gone, so I have no chance of sweeping, plus with her bad legs she’s far more of a deadweight)
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love
(Little miss codeine breath)
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks
(She does get some beautiful dimples when she smiles)
And darling I will be loving you ’til we’re 70
(About right, I retire- assuming I go back to work) at 71 so I’ll likely die around 70)
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
(This ones a rhyming number, not literal, I was about 25 when I met her, but five doesn’t rhyme so well)
And I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
(Oh yes they do- “I love pus”)
Maybe just the touch of a hand
(It was more the touch of her fart on my hand, but that doesn’t translate well to a chart topping song)
Oh me I fall in love with you every single day
(She’s such a grump I really need to)
And I just wanna tell you I am
So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are
(It’s a chorus, mostly about falling in love, and she does occasionally sleep on my chest)
When my hair’s all but gone and my memory fades
(My hairs thinning, and my memory isn’t exactly what it was, she’s constantly grumping about things that have slipped my mind. I’m sure the line was hairs overgrown, which it also is)
And the crowds don’t remember my name
(My time as a carer for my partner restricts my time out in public, I’m out of any public eye)
When my hands don’t play the strings the same way, mm
(I played, now I don’t, I can’t play as well as i used to once upon a time)
I know you will still love me the same
(Somehow despite her grumping she still does)
‘Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it’s evergreen
(Given her fast ageing body it’s only fair to think something will stay youthful)
Baby your smile’s forever in my mind and memory
(Some things don’t fade from memory, special things)
I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it’s all part of a plan
(Im still convinced we were together as a part of some plan she had to make babies)
I just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you’ll understand
(Yep, I do, normally forgetting about things she’s expecting me to remember)
But baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are, oh
(Ah la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la)
So baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
Oh maybe we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

No real comments can be made about the rest, except to say, despite everything I do love her.

Life, would I leave my disabled partner?

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So, tonight my partner got herself worked up about something (im not being a ‘typical’ ignorant male, I genuinely don’t remember what it was, something minor no doubt) and in her grumpy state suggested I could leave it I want to. Funny enough Iv just started reading a book about being a carer and I’m on the chapter that talks about wanting to leave. The book suggests that the person you fell in love with isn’t the same person who now needs your help as a carer.
Now, I spend a bulk of my time doing carer style things, not in the traditional way, Iv changed no nappies for example, but I do what I’m asked and try to make her life easier. The thoughts of leaving have never really occurred to me, for a start we have kids so of course I wouldn’t think about it (unless the situation demanded). Well actually that’s not true, Iv thought about it a lot. No. Not a lot, in depth would be a more accurate description.

I once explained this to my partner and she got upset, so clearly my explanation of the logic is lacking but here goes

In any relationship Iv been in I have analysed each and every change to the format of it and asked myself ‘is it worth it?’ – in fact now that I think of it I’ve done that with absolutely everything Iv ever done- once things reach a point where they are no longer worth the effort that goes in I stop bothering. It’s probably a really negative approach to life but it’s how I do things.

So when my partner ended up disabled I of course thought about our relationship and whether it would be ‘worth it’ anymore. I’m still with her so clearly I decided it was. A year on and still I think the same.

I’m happy with her, and in fact the only thing that would make me think otherwise would be if I heard a constant stream of “you can leave if you want” style comments. Aside from the idea that hearing something often enough makes you believe it, it’s about trust, confidence and faith.
If she says it often enough I’ll begin to doubt that she wants to be together.

As it stands, despite the hard work and sometimes frankly awful moments, the effort to worth it situation is all good, and I genuinely hope it stays that way for a long time.

Films, New Year’s Eve

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So, tonight we had an impromptu date night and my partner selected a film for us, New Year’s Eve, a romantic comedy style ensemble montage thing set on New Year’s Eve.
The focus was on love, family and hope for new beginnings and was what I would term as ‘nice.’ A ‘nice’ film, the message was simple- love people and there’s always a chance to make your life better- and no real risks were taken with the story telling.
It was enjoyable because everything turns out well for the characters, the setting of New Year’s Eve immediately prompts nice feelings in most people, but the film felt as though it never got out of second gear, there was no major drama and no real twists and turns, just a flat jumping from story to story with no real links between the settings. Links aren’t vital, but they are one of the things that made love, actually so enjoyable

The other issue I had with the film was that in trying to promote the feelings of hope in the future and redemption of past issues, it created a sense that it was a sequel, too many storylines lacked the explanation and depth that they implied was there for each of the characters.

But it was nice to cuddle up and watch a nice film with my partner

Life, intimacy as you get older

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So, last week my partner was watching neighbours. She watches a lot of trash, and unfortunately due to the way my brain works I absorb it. Or I get stressed when it’s too quiet for me to hear, or I miss something, despite my lack of interest.
But one of my earliest memories is seeing joe mangel racing across a field, falling into water trying to get to kerry who’s been shot in the eye protesting duck hunting.
Another is harold bishop being washed out to sea.
So neighbours has a special place in my heart, even if it’s just not the same without the heartwarming not quite slapstick comedy it used to have.
Anyway, Sheila bumped into doug (another blast from the past) and they were flirting, at which point my partner stated “I can’t see how old people can find old people attractive.”
It got me thinking, as well as what she said what about initmacy as you get older? All the droopages and wrinkles can’t become something you look for can they?

With finding something attractive I got to thinking, do I find old people attractive? Aside from the few years of puberty when anyone would do, no, not really, no.
But actually the more I think about it, I occasionally see people that I would consider to he attractive that in the past I maybe wouldn’t have looked at. Not because there’s anything wrong, just that I was younger. Maybe being surrounded by younger girls made me less inclined to see any beauty in older women. But then, I can still see a ‘younger’ girl and think she’s attractive, though maybe now, at 28 it’s bordering on lecherous?
If I were to be single where would I be looking?
I honestly don’t know.

I have no intention of being single, I’m very happy

But if I was, (and if I also ignore the fact I’m a dad, because that would completely change the pool) would I be looking at people my own age, or would I be open to a larger age bracket? Obviously I’d like to say I’d be open to the right person at the right time, but realistically that doesn’t happen very often.
I don’t know where I’d start, fortunately I’m not single and don’t have to worry about it just yet. Or hopefully ever.

What about intimacy as you get older? I plan on leading an active sexual life for as long as I’m able, but even now, I’m probably less capable than I was ten years ago, as wear and tear affects my body.
But as I get older would I even want to? If my partners an old crumbly with boobs around her ankles, more wrinkles than a full suitcase and grey thatch sticking out of her knickers am I going to find her sexy?
Probably not, if it gets to that extent,

But now I think about it more, is that any different to other allowances? As I’m starting to lose my hair my partner still wants sex, when my partner has all her hair cut off I still want to have sex with her.

On the one hand I wonder if sex goes away and those moments are more about the kisses and the cuddles (which are nice even now)
On the other, there has to be something in you to maintain that attraction in order to still want intimacy.

I think it’s about settling. If I were single now, I would likely not make an attempt to find an 18 year old, whereas in the past I would have.
In the past I wouldn’t have thought about a 28 year old mother of one, but it worked out for me.
Right now I also wouldn’t be scouring bingo halls for beautiful old women, but one day, with any luck my beautiful partner will still be beautiful to me, even if she does have to wear stockings to keep her boobs in.