So, I’m currently on a mid term course of antidepressants because I’m suffering from depression and / or anxiety. There we go, I said it, I’m depressed. Saying it doesn’t make me any less depressed, but then again neither does having a good day, or a fun moment. Obviously it lifts you out for the moment, but it doesn’t go away.
So, how long have I been depressed? Honestly, I don’t know. If I knew, then i could work out what’s made it happen and I’d rectify it, the symptoms have clearly manifested since my partner was disabled and more pressure was put on me to care for her and the children, but before that I was in the most stressful job Iv ever had. Before that, was a similar level of stress in a similar job, during that, the birth of my son, before that the post university period where you realise life isn’t going to maintain it’s relaxed momentum for much longer. Before that was uni itself, the pressures of finances, juggling social with academic time, as well as doing my own washing. Before that even was my social downtime, when I worked or I worked, with little time for much else, even my girlfriend was a work colleague (on opposite shifts most of the time). Before that was school, and all the social issues that go with, as well as pressure to go to uni (it’s unrelentless and pretty much the sole reason I didn’t apply right away), and all the silly stresses like worrying about getting sex, or a girlfriend, or being at the right party and not missing something that would exclude you from the first hour of Monday morning.
You see, it goes back a long way, and I can’t pinpoint a cause, which is a frustration for me (probably also making it worse), but I don’t have a solution. Back in January when I was given the medication, my doctor asked me how I cope with stress, “easy,” I replied, “I don’t get stressed, I don’t let it bother me, it just brushes over me and I chill out.” Fantastic, but it would seem that my laid back approach to, oh, pretty much each and every situation I encounter has left me with a glaring hole in my abilities to actually deal with stress, I don’t have coping mechanisms in place.
Now, you could of course argue that letting it go is a coping mechanism, and you’d be absolutely right, but what about when the intensity increases, or the number of stressors goes up? What’s the plan B? I don’t have one, I meltdown. My mood has sunk, my motivation, self esteem and confidence are worn out (it’s largely a very well constructed facade at the best of times anyway), I’m physically drained, emotionally lacking and I just don’t care.
Of course, this is a serious problem, especially when my partner is disabled and equally run down, and the two kids are getting faster, and more physically capable of killing me in exertions.
This popped up on my Facebook news feed last night, I don’t know if the words are actually from Stephen Fry, but he’s well known for his depression (and of course many other more positive things), and an intelligent guy, so I’m sure he’d offer something like this. The point is, it’s so hard to define what the causes are, what the reasons or even definitions are, and so how on earth can you go on to recover or ‘get over it?’
After reporting the above picture my partner asked if I was feeling particularly depressed tonight, well, I wasn’t, but i have been increasingly more depressed recently, lethargy and apathy and hard daemons to conquer, and the anxiety levels seem to be increasing too, what feels like mini panic attacks are becoming more frequent which is a worry.
And then this morning, she asks me why I’m so tired after having slept last night (I’ll ignore that fact that Iv not had a good night sleep properly pretty much since we met, especially in the last 18 months, and ridiculously so since she now sleeps deeply through the night. To be fair, she’s exhausted too, and suffers the pain 24 hours a day), but her follow up comment hurt me. I mean really hurt me, I don’t think she’s ever hurt my feelings as much as that.
Now, of course, we’ve had disagreements and comments have been made that hurt each other, but this one really cut deep, she said “I need you to get out of this mood because it’s making me feel crap”
Yeah, it hurt. If I could ‘snap’ out of it I would, I wish I had the reserves to be how I was before, but I don’t, and the fact that now I’m bringing other people down to (especially her, who’s a stubborn negative person, and needs all the positivity she can get) it just pushes me deeper and deeper into the negative.
Of course, I’m sure- on reflection- that she meant she feels bad that her issues are causing my depression, she’s a negative bummer like that, though she’s not wrong, they are a part of the cause, but they are also just the latest in a long line of contributing factors.
The fact is, I’m depressed, I worry that actually, I always have been, because I’m a thinker, and I dwell on things.
So, whilst I’m internet less I’v been compiling a list of blog posts I want to write when I get the inspiration to do so. Some of the things are simple, such as planned x wing posts, or hobby updates (there’s aren’t many just now) others are based on things I have on my mind, which il get to.
The idea is I get inspiration for the post, write it and schedule it. Awesome. Except over the last few days Iv not felt inspired to write. There could be a few reasons, the first that Iv hit the blog wall. I know many bloggers get going and then stop, much like a New Years resolution or ‘giving up’ smoking. It’s doomed to fail. But the truth is, I’m venting and it’s a good release, so it can’t be that,
Another possibility is that I’m tired. And yes, I am tired,it’s been a long week or so. We went away this weekend for a surprise birthday party for one of my partners internet weirdo friends, all the way from our little home in somerset to Hemel Hempstead. We had a pleasant little chalet flat style room thing In a nice hotel, with a decent breakfast and the party wasn’t all bad. I was a little worried, I was stepping into a tight clique of these girls and their partners and the talk was going to be cripples and babies (one of her friends also got broken) and my usual social successes rely on me doing what I do, namely stepping up and offending / charming my way through, it’s been termed my ‘unique brand of entertainment.’ But I did ok a few jokes about a baby floating upside down in the pond, and some truthful exaggerations of being a carer and all was fine.
Whenever my partner goes away it takes her some weeks to recover, it drains her and she overdoes it, so there is inevitable soreness, especially at night when she gets ‘stuck’ and I have to roll her into a more comfortable position, the consequence being that I get less sleep than she does because I wake up, she doesn’t. On top, the boys canines are coming and there have been a lot of restless nights, very often it’s just a short step from my bed to his to pop a dummy in, but it’s enough to then leave me with ten minutes of trying to get comfortable again. And add to that the girl, who seems to have forgotten about the alarm being the sign to get up and rising most mornings about 5, waking her brother and then them screaming at each other. It’s been a tough week, but it’s ok, we’re going on a family trip tomorrow, and next weekend another longer trip away.
So tiredness is definitely a factor, my brain hasn’t worked at capacity pretty much since I met my partner, but now I get so tired it barely functions at times.
Another potential is that I don’t have any motivation to write about nothing. Let’s be honest, most of my posts are of no interest to anyone, it’s just for myself to vent and process, but if my life is non existent them maybe I have nothing to say. I think this is me moping a little, a lot of the books Iv read lately seem to focus on mid life crises and similar losers realising their lives are pathetic. I don’t think mine is, but I’m definitely in a rut, it’s a day to day thing more than a life thing. Before we moved I had a focus, it was a definitive date to get everything we own packed and ready, this was good. Now we are here Iv settled into a routine that hasn’t really broken since the first day, get up, breakfast everyone, school run, boys nap, lunch, play, dinner, bedtimes, lounge around, go to bed. It doesn’t sound exciting, and it isn’t. This is what it is to be a parent, at least for a while, the trick is to have hobbies, interests and breaks, so that’s my focus on the next few weeks.
I’m sure there are other things, but it’s probably a combination of tiredness and not being particularly motivated or inspired to fill in the post beyond the title, but I have a couple stored and normal service should be resumed shortly