So, it’s strange; Iv not written any posts about my father. It’s a fairly complex situation. Well actually no it isn’t- he cheated on my mum and they divorced- a fairly standard scenario. The complexity comes from the resultant effect on my family.
Now, Iv not written about him for the simple reason that I don’t care, my ‘family love’ for him ended long enough ago that shutting him out of my life was a (perhaps psychopathically/sociopathically) simple process. The issue is that I always feel as though I give the impression it bothers me, this is compounded by the denial- by declaring I don’t care I am essentially confessing that I do.
So now I’m going to attempt to work through it.
In fact, no I’m not. I don’t know where I planned to go with this post, I seem to have lost my train of thought.
The fact is I do of course have ‘daddy issues.’ Of course I do, Iv already admitted I didn’t like him. From a young age there was an issue between us- maybe he didn’t like me, or he was jealous of something (a theory put forward by a few significant family members) or I was a reminder of his wasted young life. It’s not important, essentially there was an issue. I can’t explain it and regardless it’s too late. Iv had that ‘father figure’ gap for long enough that Iv adapted/grown/suffered/coped and now I have what I have and am what I am and it all becomes rather trivial.
So he cheated, yes he’s an arsehole, but the real arse was my sister. I should give her one allowance- she was a daddies girl so it obviously had an impact on her at the time. At a time when I was away at university someone needed to be there for my mum and she moved away. Three hours away, whilst he was still in the same house. For that alone there is no forgiveness coming from me. She gets worse- I won’t bore anyone with the details but she’s actually a complete dickhead.
This post is going to become even more of a loose ramble of thoughts now as I reflect on her recent comments. In recent times I have been accused by her of being many things, such as;
A benefit scrounger
All fantastically accurate adjectives to describe me if you apply a tabloids lack of context thinking to them.
selfish yes I am, absolutely in that I don’t care about her. In that case I come first, in reality I can think of at least three people who are more important than me
arrogant again, yes. And actually I will concede that I can come across as having an air of arrogance about me. The truth is I don’t think I’m better than anyone, however I do allow my self esteem to pick faults in people until they are worse than me.
ignorant not too sure she grasps the meaning of the word. I make it a point not to criticise or mock anything I don’t have an awareness/education on, otherwise I’m open to being called on it by someone more intelligent than me.
a benefit scrounger I get £61.35 a week for full time (and the rest) work, it’s far from scrounging. In fact my hourly rate works out at £0.37. Scrounging is what I should be doing.
a failure dependent on context and point of view she could be right, from hers it’s in a working environment so she’s absolutely correct. I’d say having a fantastic family counterbalances that fairly successfully.
a waster of opportunities she implies. Yes I have a degree I’m not using. Yes I have management experience I’m not using. Yes I’m very good at working. But I now work harder than I did in any job Iv ever had. In reality I waster more time when I was studying and working than I have the chance to now,
Honestly I don’t know where im going with this post so I’ll cut it short (although it’s already fairly long).
There are subjects her I’ll come back to, I’m smart enough to understand there are clearly some issues I have to deal with from my past.