So, once again here I sit. My first visit to the pub since being accused of visiting.
I should explain.
The other night my partner told me I smelt of beer after I returned from a run, and then jokingly suggested I’d been for a drink instead of a run. Fantastic idea I thought, I could get away with that from time to time.
Not too often of course, she’d notice a lack of fitness and a swelling belly. Then I realised that doing this would be outright deceit (? ) or betrayal of her trust. Well, not trust, it’s not that she needs to trust me, trust doesn’t come into it; if I say I’m running she has no reason to believe otherwise, because that’s exactly what I’m doing. No, if I tell her I’m going for a run then that’s exactly what I’ll do, anything else would be a further step towards alcoholism.
Now, it could be argued I’m there, by me too of course. As it stands I’d accept I’m an alcoholic, but that it isn’t interfering with my life. Lying about drinking would be a perfect example of my ‘alcoholism’ directly affecting (and hindering) my life- and more importantly that of my family. It’s handy that my awareness of my drink problem is such that I can set clear boundaries for myself
– lying about drinking
– sneaking drinks
– getting too drunk to ‘be a dad’
– being too hungover to look after my kids
– being an idiot- ie drink driving
By my count my partner ticks more of those boxes than I do.
That would be another potential line to cross- removing context in order to not look so bad.
The fact is,
– I drink too much
– I don’t think I could stop drinking
– I have no desire to give up
– I’d like to be able to drink more
But the only real fact is my family come first, if it was an issue (ie I start ticking off items from my list) it goes immediately.
As it is, there’s no issue, beyond my partners concerns for me, running helps counteract the drinking and for that reason I have no intention of going to the pub when I could be doing what I said I would do.