Being a dad, lying through my teeth

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So, i spend a good amount of my time lying to my daughter. And an even greater amount of time trying to demonstrate that you must always tell the truth.

Paradox? Double standards? Hypocritical?


Now, I don’t lie to her about most things, in fact, i find the truth far more fun, but there are certain aspects of my life that she’s convinced happened that clearly didn’t. I don’t know what’s going to be a bigger disappointment to her, finding out that established child heros such as Santa, the tooth fairy and mr tumble (the new kid on the block) aren’t real, or that I haven’t don’t half the things Iv said I have.

So what have I not done over the course of my life

this is just the stuff that hasn’t happened, the truthful stuff will be covered elsewhere

When I was a child I was one of santas elves. This came about one morning in the lead up to Christmas, she was being particularly difficult and I told her I had a direct link to Santa because for a time I was one of his elves. My speciality was sweets and chocolate (which I have proves with a few sleight of hand chocolate appearances). When I got too tall I went back to live with my mum because I couldn’t be a giant elf.

Not long after i was taken on by the Jedi. I was trained by Yoda and Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan was my favourite of all the Jedi. This came about after she found a toy lightsaber in my bag, her head filled in the bigger gaps, I just embellished it. I spent a few years hunting down sith (apparently you can tell because of the red lightsaber) before leaving to work for a supermarket. However, if she is ever stolen by a baddie I’m allowed to dust of my lightsaber and find her

Not long after this it bought a guitar and became a rock star. She was convinced Michael j fox was me in back to the future. My current established song list is

Johnny b Goode
Summer of 69
You all everybody
The smelly daughter song
Don’t look back in anger
Good riddance

She hasn’t heard most of them, but gets very excited if I pick up any kind of instrument, my limited knowledge of basic instruments makes it very easy to maintain the illusion

Burnt out from sex and drugs I moved on from the rock star lifestyle to become a ghostbuster. This one hasn’t expanded much, except that I am able to keep the house monsters calm and imprisoned as long as she behaves.

I was also in the army. This was a complete fabrication of her mind after seeing something I own with a camo pattern on it, again, it hasn’t embellished much.

There are more, but these are the highlights of my fictional true life story


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