Life, argument avoidance and niggles

So, I hate arguments, really hate arguments. Well actually, I don’t hate them, I just feel there’s a much better way of dealing with problems than shouting and getting personal. This is by far the worse thing about am argument, when something completely irrelevant to the discussion comes up, plus arguments allow for it to move beyond the point of the argument to an excuse to abuse each other.

No, I don’t like arguments because they just don’t achieve enough, effort vs reward.

The other issue is that they normally occur in public, this is a major issue, nobody wants the embarrassment of a couple screaming at each other. In my experience women use this to great effect to gain an immediate psychological advantage over the other half. You’ve all seen that man clearly annoyed that he’s being spoken to like a child in public, it’s a downbeat fed up shoulder slump that’s immediately recognisable.

I should point out, I mean this in no way to be a sexist statement, I’m sure men can be just as guilty, it’s purely based off my experience of women

If an argument must happen (it mustn’t) then it should be in private, not in public because this just increases the chances that it becomes personal. But as Iv said, I don’t feel the effort vs reward makes it worthwhile, it should be a sensible discussion without resorting to frustration and anger.

Now, my partner loves an argument. Well, I’m sure she doesn’t, but her immediate response to anything that could be a spark sets her off. The problem is that she has a short fuse and is easily frustrated, so small things become an argument very quickly. This means that I have a choice, if she has done something that upsets or frustrates me I can either tell her directly- which leads inevitably to an argument, or I can ignore it- which means I get more stressed and frustrated and can’t tell her why.
Such as the other day, I have mentioned that she had upset me when essentially telling me to snap out of my ‘mood’ because it makes her feel worse, I could have told her then there that it was a little insensitive and that Iv been doing my best to support her, and a little support would appreciated in return, or I could let it go, not helping my ‘mood.’

Just last might before she went away, I asked her to bring the boy back to the kitchen after she’d let him out, she walked past him, called his name and said “I tried”. Well, at this point it would have been an easy option for me to start an argument because I was already frustrated with her about several things (another weekend away, not eating, exhausting herself) and at that point (ahead of me being solely responsible for then children for the weekend) I had to do it myself, but I didn’t, I held it in, because I don’t want to argue.

Now, I love my partner, very much, and I’m very happy. But very often she does things that annoy and frustrate me, this is normal, if you’re in a relationship where you aren’t annoyed by something, then you clearly don’t know each other very well. The key to these annoyances is to learn to love them (Iv done that, or at least coped with, the dribbling when she sleeps, the cold feet regardless of situation), let it bother you but only in a minor way because it isn’t a life changer (farting, buying unnecessary gadgets for the kitchen) or you communicate to them that it’s an issue and get it dealt with, this is where the problem lies. I don’t feel I can tell her about the bigger things because
1. She often doesn’t listen anyway (stroking my hair in bed)
2. She doesn’t always hear exactly what you’ve said (hearing “I’m very tired” as “you have made me very tired”)
3. She takes it as a personal attack (not getting as excited about planning something as much as she is)

What this means is that I tell her, it’s a frustrated tell, and so leads to arguments and then nothing’s achieved, or I don’t tell her and then nothing happens, except my stress levels rise.

So, things need to change, I am going to be telling her when ok frustrated, when she has annoyed me, and when I just can’t take any more. She’ll likely turn it into an argument, in which case I will be do my best to diffuse it, or she’ll take it personally, in which case I’ll reassure her.
The key will be to tell her when I’m happy, she’s done something positive, and when alls good, I wouldn’t want it to be a complete negative