So, I try my best to be a good dad. I’m of the opinion that you can’t be a perfect parent, but you should be a good parent. It’s take a lot of effort and energy but really it shouldn’t be too hard.
But sometimes I feel like a bad dad, and it’s those times when I just want to escape the kids for a few minutes and not have them in my ear. Sometimes it’s just a few minutes piece to have poo without having to also see the eldests latest ‘art’ or a bit longer to clear my head by organising something without having a snotty nose pushed into my face.
Now, I should be clear, I couldn’t be happier to have my kids, they are the two most important things to me in the world and I wouldn’t ever want them to not be there.
In fact, a little bit of history here. The eldest isn’t my daughter, she’s my partners daughter from a previous marriage (we aren’t married, not happening). She was three when we met, she’s now approaching 6 and it’s amazing the change that’s happened over the three ish years Iv been on the scene. Her real dad lives a distance away and there was always a scheduled Sunday morning skype session in place, however, he didn’t always make it. To give him the benefit of the doubt he works some sundays so maybe couldn’t always make it, but over time the frequency of these misses increased, to the point that we have now gone approaching a year with him not seeing or speaking to her. Over this time Iv gone from being named, to daddy name, to daddy indoors, to daddy around people she knows, to now, when I am daddy. I haven’t been named in months. This probably is partly down to her needing a father figure, but also the boy. He’s now 18 months and the various da’s dadda’s and daddeeeeee’s probably rub off a little bit.
In my mind, anyone can be a father, it takes a man to be a dad. It takes a tiny effort to be a good dad. When it comes to biological father or natural dad I think I win hands down.
But back on topic, it’s a really tough thing when I do want a break, because I do want their attention and I want them to want mine, but sometimes i just need an escape. Giving up work has been good, lots of stress has been lifted and I’m able to support my partner, but being exposed to the children all day everyday completely fries you. It’s the guilt it causes that’s hardest, I couldn’t imagine myself ever saying no to my partner when she asks if I’d mind looking after the kids whilst she goes out, but in reality sometimes I just want to say NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Because I just want to escape for a while. Just the other day, she came home from work after a day of me minding both kids, the first thing she did was go back out to go shopping. Now, I can understand after a day of work not wanting to jump straight in, but after my own day I desperately needed to get out for a bit. I don’t really get stir crazy, but when I’m locked into those moments with two children it’s a completely different matter.
Again, the guilts kicking in and I feel bad even writing this on a blog nobody will every read, and I feel obliged to reiterate that I would change NOTHING, but I do need to find a release mechanism somehow, because the summer holidays are getting closer day by day